


I Wish I Had A River (I Could Skate Away On)

by zonerunner



Series: Grow As We Go [3]
Category: The Politician (Netflix), The Politician (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, M/M, McAfee and Payton's friendship is so good, Payton has OCD, River dies I'm sorry, This fandom deserves more of River's perspective what a guy, but it's not mentioned as much in this one, but like barely, someone give McAfee a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 19:00:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20822246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zonerunner/pseuds/zonerunner
Summary: Senior year, and Payton and River's relationship is a thing of the distant past, though they both privately harbour feelings for one another. But with the campaign for student body president, all feelings are pushed aside, leaving only half-playful, half-serious head to heads.That is, until River shoots himself. Suddenly, River Barkley is someone of the past, and Payton is left to navigate a much lonelier world.





	I Wish I Had A River (I Could Skate Away On)

River stood facing the window, staring at nothing. He felt awful for choosing Skye as his campaign partner. He had nothing against Skye, but he’d let Astrid take control yet again, even though he knew how much this election meant to Payton. He’d betrayed Payton.

Amazing, gorgeous Payton Hobart, who he still missed a year later.

The pain wasn’t as sharp, wasn’t as huge as it had been that day, but he still missed him. River often wondered how Payton was doing. If he ever beat his compulsions, ever learned to let himself take a break. From the way Payton had come storming into his house the other day, demanding to know why River was running for student body president, it didn’t seem like it. The way Payton got mad was so endearing, so achingly familiar.

They hadn’t spoken since the breakup, exchanging nothing more than the occasional glance in the hallway - but those glances were so full of emotion that River dared to entertain the possibility that Payton truly did love him back.

Suddenly, a pounding on the door downstairs, then the door opened and slammed. Thudding footsteps on the stairs.

“River!”

And God, how he loved the sound of that voice, even in anger.

Then Payton was behind him, yelling, and River felt so, so guilty for going against him.

“Why are you doing this to me? Why’d you have to pick Skye Layton?”

“Astrid said if I picked her I’d have my best shot at winning.” It felt so much worse to say it out loud.

“Okay, well why are you listening to her? She doesn’t want what’s good for you, she wants power, and you’re the way she’s gonna get it. She’s Lady Macbeth!”

River turned, hands shaking. “Payton, you gotta calm down.”

“She’s jealous of us, can’t you see that? That is why she’s trying to take this away from me.” Payton’s eyes widened with his conviction, and he spoke fast, just like he always did when he felt passionate about something. River looked at him, taking in every inch of him as though it would somehow save him from Hell. He felt his lips tremble, and for a moment, his resolve weakened.

“Why are you hurting me?” Payton pleaded.

River cupped his cheek, hand shaking, and held back a sob. “You… you have so much pain.”

He moved his hand downwards, basking in the familiar feeling of the touch, wanting to cry and scream and break something at the way Payton’s eyes fluttered shut. After all this time, Payton still trusted him. That fact inspired some kind of light feeling within his chest, but it did nothing to even begin to outweigh the darkness that engulfed him.

River turned, and took the gun from where it rested. Payton, once again caught up in his tirade, didn’t even notice.

“You don’t even need any of this! You’re gonna go to college, and join the peace court - this isn’t gonna help you!”

“I’m sorry,” River said, and hoped he could communicate everything he never said into those two words. Hoped that simple phrase could say, Payton, this isn’t your fault, please never feel guilty over what I’m about to do, you’re going to achieve wonderful things and I hope you get two things in your life: what you dream of and what you deserve. He hoped his eyes could say, Payton, you were everything to me, I loved you so much, and I hope you find happiness and peace with yourself because, Payton Hobart, you deserve the entire world, and I’m sorry you have to witness this but I can’t hold out another second.

He took in the sight before him for the last time. Payton, innocent, wonderful, looking at him quizzically.

“I really did love you.”

In a single movement, River clicked off the safety, put the gun to his head, and pulled the trigger. He never even heard Payton scream.

Three days later, a Monday morning, Alice tightened Payton’s tie as he gazed vacantly into the mirror. He’d never heard a sound like that before. There had been so much blood, all over the wall and the furniture and all over him. He’d spent hours each day since in the shower, trying to wash the feeling away. But he couldn’t, it was real, and River was dead and nothing mattered anymore. Not the stupid election. How could he have marched in there, shouting at the top of his lungs, not realising something was very, very wrong? He would give anything to replay that night, to be less self-absorbed, to have taken a good look at River’s face and realised the boy he still loved despite everything was so far from stable. To have been a bit quicker on the uptake and wrestled the gun out of his hands. Payton had done none of those things. He’d stood there as River shot himself in the head, no warning, bang, and he had been covered in blood.

Now River was gone, leaving behind nothing but guilt, regret, and the memory of his lips.

“This is gonna sound awful, but I’m just gonna say it. Now that River’s dead you’re running unopposed.” McAfee’s voice sounded from somewhere behind him, monotonous, miserable.

Payton turned, disbelieving.

“Seriously?” James said.

“I can’t believe you just said that,” Alice admonished.

“I’m sorry, but it’s my job,” McAfee said, not meeting any of their eyes.

Her job, Payton thought. Just like it had been her job to tell him to break up with River last year. They could have had so much more time together if Payton and his friends weren’t so dedicated to this stupid dream. But it wasn’t stupid. It was their life. Payton had to get over himself - but he couldn’t, not yet. The grief was still too raw, too painful. In time, he hoped he would heal, though how he could ever live in a world where River Barkley was forever in the past, he had not clue. This was all so horribly wrong. But he had to pull himself together and navigate this upside down world with dignity.

God, he loved him so much. River had been everything to him. Payton remembered their first meeting; River had somehow gotten him crying within minutes, and had proven that wasn’t a one-off. River had had a way of putting Payton at ease, making him vulnerable, and somehow he didn’t mind at all. He was funny, kind, caring, passionate, and Payton would give anything for the honour of having his walls broken down by River one last time.

He breathed deeply to calm himself, but even that reminded him of a breathing exercise River had taught him so long ago, and his chest tightened once again.

Alice took his glasses off, loving pity in her eyes. “You know you don’t have to do this,” she said, and God, how could he possibly do this? But then, how could he not?

Alice placed her hands on his arms, and he returned the gesture. “I want to.”

She nodded.

McAfee sat, Alice and James to her left, as the principal addressed the school.

“The mother asks that you respect their privacy at this time. River’s family wishes to express their gratitude for the outpouring of support they have received in the past few days. It’s trying times like these where we as a community look to our student leaders for a way to move forward and begin to heal. Payton?”

And then Payton was walking towards the podium, looking more unsure of himself than McAfee had ever seen him - though he probably looked put together to the rest of the audience. She knew him too well, though, didn’t miss the way he tapped his index finger on the podium in short bursts of seven, saw him fumbling for words as he spoke.

“I didn’t really get to know River until last year. He… was my tutor. Then he became my friend.” And McAfee felt a sharp pang in her chest, because they were more than friends, and would have stayed that way if it weren’t for her. “And then my opponent. We found ourselves running against one another, but River never made it feel like a competition. He would always say, don’t worry about it, Payton, let the best man win.” Payton paused. “Now the best man can’t win.”

McAfee looked at her friend, up there on that stage, looking more vulnerable than she could ever remember. He seemed so alone. So lost, and trying so hard not to show it.

After a brief pause, Payton spoke again. “Uh, River was very active in the drama department, so I’ve asked one of his many friends to help me sing a song in his honour.”

And then Payton was singing, and his voice was beautiful, and McAfee found herself crying because the song was called River, of course it was. As Payton sang, his voice breaking slightly now and then as he struggled to keep it together, McAfee began to sob. Because River Barkley was dead. He had shot himself in the head, right in front of Payton, and God only knew how that had screwed with Payton.

So McAfee let herself cry, losing her composure like she had never dared allow before, surrounded by people who had no idea that she, to whatever extent, had had a hand in all this. Even James and Alice had no idea that she had essentially ordered Payton to shut down their relationship, destroying the comfort Payton obviously found in River. And all in favour of a stupid presidency that was decades in the future. She’d just wanted what was best for Payton, wanted him to be happy. But she’d broken them apart, and tried not to feel guilty every time the Payton and River made eye contact in the hallway, or when Payton was distracted for weeks after the breakup. How important was a stupid reputation, anyway? If word had gotten out about the two of them, Payton’s reputation, and indeed River’s too, would recover, given time. This was not something River could recover from. It hit her, suddenly and with great force, that this was really happening. River Barkley was never coming back.

And looking at Payton, singing so beautifully even on the verge of tears, it seemed unlikely that he would ever be the same.

**Author's Note:**

> And there we have the final part! I literally posted part one earlier today and I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna write more OCD Payton because that is a hill I will die on. Also I'd like to propose the ship name Hobarkley - you heard it from me first, folks.
> 
> PS Unsurprisingly, the title is taken from River by Joni Mitchell (the song Payton sings at River's funeral).
> 
> As usual, all comments and kudos greatly appreciated, and if you have any suggestions for things I should write, let me know! Thanks for reading :)


End file.
